True-er words will probably never be spoken. Somewhere amongst all this mess i lost myself, well not necessarily myself, but more so the "Self" i used to be. I used to be tough, always.  living with this wall up, a hard exterior. I was always strong for everyone, even when I didn't feel tough at all. I just, had to be. It wasn't a choice, it was just how things were. But now, i realize that its ok to be sad, its ok to show feelings. Nobody expects me to be strong all the time,and it feels great. It's such a relief. I feel as though I can breath for the first time.

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.. Bull shit!

Starting this blog, i knew that I'd have to go here; Because its only right that my (nonexistent) readers know. I can't exactly ignore it, so here it goes..

This is me(right) and Andrea(left)

She's my best friend sister. I met her way back in the second grade. We were in line on our way back from recess, and she decided that it would be a good idea to repeatedly poke me in the back.. So, i kindly turned around, and punched her in the face.. I know, its not the typical way for people to become best friends, but she was no typical girl. Anywhoo, the teacher sent us to the guidance counselor who told me it was "not ok to hit people when they make you upset" what does she know. We both apologized to each other, hugged, and from then on we were inseparable.

Andrea(far-left) Me(far-right)

Yea, i kinda look like a wild beast here.. but i digress..

She was my everything. And i know that is a little extreme to say, but when i lost her.. Ugh. I'm finally at the point where I can talk about this without crying. but it still hurts. It always will. She was taken from me. ripped right out of my life. I never thought a person could live with only half a heart, but .. here i am. She was killed. by a drunk driver. I thought that kind of thing only happened in the movies. Not to me. Not to Andrea. It kills me when people say that "it was just her time" NO. She wasn't done living. We needed here her. I need her. I miss everything about her. Her smile, her craziness, the fat man living inside her, her addiction to iced tea (Nestea and Arizona with raspberry ), the way she always made me smile, the things she wrote, her kindness.. I could go on forever. We had so many great times together. We shared so many wonderful experiences. She made me.. me. I don't think i can explain how much she means to me. I was never really good with my words..She was.

"Friendships come and go. people drift apart. But you and me, we're different. Something more than friends, something special. Just as Eve was made from Adam's rib, I was made with half of your heart, and you with half of mine. My soul sister, forever."-Andrea

I didn't want this to be a sad post, so hopefully it isn't.. but yea. At least now you guys know where i got the title of my blog from and stuff.. yea.. ok. I'm done..

"Blood could not makes us any closer, and nothing will ever break us apart. For no matter where we go in life, we'll be together holding half of the others heart."

Andrea Inara Carey 
January 29 1991 - December 27 2009

I read through these sometimes. . This one was the last. (It's kinda long. Sorry.)

Me : im so excited for 2marro!

Drea : me too.. but im kinda sad too...

Me : Que pasa mami?!

Drea : it just.. id how im gonna talk to marvin.

Drea : and im gunna miss him

Drea : A LOT

Drea : its like i dont know why i like him so much

Drea : but i do

Drea : and i think i might. .

Me : Andrea inara are you telling me...

Drea : yes. i think i love him

Me : omg omg omg!

Drea : lmao. yea. its true. idk how thos happened.

Drea : it hurts that i cant like show him what im feeling

Drea : like its not all about the physical stuff..

Drea : but i just want to be in his arms

Me : that is soo sweet

Me : im soooo happy to see you happy

Me : and i think he's a great guy

Me: and i think you and him are good together

Drea : ....i hope ypur right. cause ive never felt like this.

Drea : ive been in love..but not like this..

Drea: and ive never even TOUCHED him

Drea : of like been close to him

Me : justt be careful

Drea : i will

Drea : HE LOVES ME TOO

Drea : HE LOVES ME TOOOOOOOOOO

Drea : HE LOVE ME!

Drea : ME

Drea : ME

Drea : is this real life>!!>!>!>?!/1/1/!?@?E1?Wqa

Drea : ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Drea : !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me : BREATH

Me : !

Drea : i cant! im all duhhfvdivu 8rgf rw

Drea : ughh!!!!

Drea : i needa run

Drea : and jump

Drea : and scream

Drea : and dance'

Drea : and just hefhwsd

Drea : i needa be with him r

Drea : RIGHT

Drea : NOW

Drea : ughh. ivee been loved before..

Drea : but i feeel like it my first time

Drea : im all blushy and sweaty and fidgity and smiley and crazy

Drea : i dont know what to do with myself

Drea : fhjdaks fkfdavfad t93gf lc t4ygufdompm c2yfwgueif

Me : are you done?

Drea : im sorry..

Drea : but

Drea : I WILL NEVER BE DONE

Drea : EVER

Drea : UNTIL IM IN HIS ARMS!

Me : lol dont apologize. and im happy for you.

Drea : fvhjudktv 653bt9rniv t2bgf9uno tty530g8rodm

Drea : i need some iced tea

Drea : and a giant sugar cookie

Drea : !


I can't help but laugh at this. It was before we left for Trinidad. Andrea was IM'ing me and Marvin, who is the boy she had been talking to for some time, apparently they both told each other they loved one another for the first time. Andrea loved him,A LOT, and he made her extremely happy, she talked about him all the time. lol. And even though she tried to play it off, i knew she loved him before she told me. there was something really special about this guy, I still haven't figured out what  it was. He lives all the way in New York, that's like 54363 billion miles away, and yet he single-handely touched Andrea in a way that i don't think anybody has before. He's something like an angel I guess.

Phone-Less

Ughh. So, I've been without a phone for some time now; but the funny thing is, I really don't even care. Ehh, it's just that a lot of my priorities have changed lately. Not having a phone used to be the worst possible thing that could ever happen to me, but it took the actual worse possible thing happening to make me realize whats important. Plus, I kinda like having an excuse to get away, turn off the world, so to speak. No texts. No calls. Just..Life. 

Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.

Ahmir Andrew
.our prince.our strength.